Sigh. Just the second week of the year 2009 and i'm already having imba major probs with life already. I feel so corupted. I'm not shawn anymore. I'm not who i used to be anymore. I'm not the same person anymore. Sigh. But i feel super lonely. I often have to remind myself that i am and will be a loner in this school, for i dun really think i'd have true friends who will truely care and be concerned about me. There's too much i wish to talk about, but there's no one to talk to. I feel like going to bang my head against the wall or go do sth dumb, but..... Sigh. It's too hard an to live a life without any friends. Ever since i privated my blogg, no more ppl come to screw my life up or wad le, and even in class, i always tell myself not to get too close with anyone. No one regards me there as a good and nice person. They all dislike me but all dun dare say, thus i have no choice but to keep quiet and dun speak much to any of them. I feel SUPER bad to my father today. He did sth i didn't expext him to do. He helped my lie to mdm tang on saying that i was upset and had headache and was not feeling in the right state of mind, thus i was late for going for cca. But in fact i never felt like going. (pardon me ERWIN for typing these next lines.) I've never liked choir. I began hating it even more ever since they began the choir committe thing, where although i had contributed so much to the cca, i dun even get a simple and good post which could satisfy me. No matter what post they would have given me, i would have happily accepted, but NO. I nvr got one. And thus i began pondering on WHY i spent so much stupid time on a CCA that did not gimme anything even though i stayed on and gave it my SUPER BEST and they wun given gimme a simple post? It wasn't fair. Thus, i changed. My attitude to the cca had a 180 degrees change. No one else was like me, getting so fed up and deciding not to go for cca just for such a matter. It really was not fair to me, for from the FIRST EVER choir practise, i had attended. And i nvr ever did pon a choir session for fun. NVR in my life had i done it, but since they were unfair to me, i decided not to be fair to them. I decided that the period of time they had to INSTALL any post to me was over, (even though some goon promised me that they could install posts to gimme a job.. -.- , It nvr happened.) i rebeled. I decided to quit SYF completely. I didn't want the post, the job, the life in that cca anymore. I had enough. And from the choir camp, i saw through the people in this stupid cca. PPL who we all started from the same roots, turned into ppl who claims " Although u are oso sec 3, u are not in the choir committe, thus u are not part of us." sort of bullshit. It totally was not fair to us sec 3 ppl who were not in the choir committe, if they were to be as good as sophia's batch of ppl, who treated everone SERIOUSLY EQUAL. My batch did promise me they would treat us all EQUALLY, but guess wad? It nvr happened. And who wun wanna have a chance on being able to organise a camp and going through all the neat and cool procedues on making it?? I wanted to, but the super EQUAL committe only cared on.. "We'll organise the camp, OI dun come here and peep at what we are doing!" It totally is not right. Why dun i get a shot at it? WHY?? Although i may have so much to say about this CCA, No one will ever hear about what i am typing here, for no one truely does care about me. Even if news like this reaches mdm tang, most probably, i'd me labeled as insulting her precious committe again. Like my dad always tells me. Nothing in this world is fair.
I've got so many problems. Too little answers. I dun even know who to tell, who to talk to, who to even tell my problems to. I dun trust my parents, my sister, my school mates, kenny, and ..... I've seriously no idea who in my life i can seriously speak to about these problems. There's too many problems corrupting me. I felt so wrong to my dad. He was totally trying to help me, for he even offered to like call my cca teacher to tell her about me not feeling well of some sort of excuse. My mom's totally different. She keeps scolding me, keeps saying i betrayed her, her trust and all sorts. Why can't she be somewhat like my dad? Dad is so clam and nice to me when i need the help. Yet my mother dun even care much. She just keeps scolding and scolding and scolding. It's not nice for me to treat her like this, but it's not really nice for her to treat me this way as well. I know it's seriously wrong for me to have went out with kenny last week and lying to her on me going cca, but i seriously was feeling so stressed in just the first week of school, i cannot tahan it. And i didn't really know if i should have went to talk to mr wu about the style of him teaching us. Most of us ppl dun even really understand what he is talking about.
Hmm. I just had a 48 min talk with my dad. I think my dad's the best dad in the world. xD
