Maybe i should stop brooding over the fact that it's a no hope situation. And i'm supposed to cheer up. It's my birthday at least. That's nice. But, it's my sadest birthday i've ever lead. Somewhat strange, but a new experience. I just can't get the thoughts out of my mind. What i've sacrificed. It's, not fair? I've given up alot. Ripped a piece of my dignity for her, and yet it's still the same ending. It always ends like this. Why? I figured the common factor that leads down this sad road for me is..... Me. It's always like this. I always question myself why, but i always try giving up anything for a loved one. It never works. I can't even find anyone who can help me. Maybe all i wanted was someone to understand me, someone who'll always be there to support me. And allow me to do the same, but i can't find the person. The one person i would have wanted to let me hold her and, give me a hug when i'm down, or at least care for me. I always feel so.. Alone. Just now, siti hafiza said i looked very. carefree? I didn't know i seemed like that. I always bottle EVERYTHING i think within myself. And i never tell anyone how i feel on certain things. I don';t trust anyone enough to even tell the person anything personal about myself; my thoughts.
Sometimes, i wish i can just erupt. Just give up on EVERYTHING, and just start all over again. Sigh. Seems like my days are kinda, hard? When my parents catch wind on my results, i'm so dead. What a great 16th birthday i'm having. Never felt so stressed for a birthday before. All my songs seem to follow my mood. I just seem to, feel sad, by myself.
When i walk past her, or even catch sight of her, i'd just tell myself not to look, not to hear, not to say. I can't just give up, i must let go. That's the worst part uh? Sigh. tough luck uh?
And now, i'm in school, trying to sort out my mixed emotions. Sometimes, i really wished i could just look at her, talk to her, and love her. but.. It's hard. When the story never goes your way. I'm forever tempted to look at her, when i know she's near, but. I try forcing myself to not look. And the feelings to look is so strong, i feel it hard to control. This is the worst birthday i've had, although so many people wished me happy birthday. I wonder is it just me, or i don't even know if they really mean it or just see me den just say out of politeness. But.. It's alright. At least they bothered to say.
I thin k it's all my own fault it didn't work out. I'm the failure cause of everything. It's getting too much a burden for me myself to take all of this. I can't do it soon. I always feel like i'm the neutral in a situation, and whenever a choice is thrown at me, i can hear myself having self conflict within. Am i sick? -.- Lmao. I haven't been myself lately, and yeah. I won't be myself for sometime, because, i lost her.
