Today was a good day. :) Everything is sort of recovering ?
I don't know. I love her. Alot. As usual. And we texted today. :) I miss her alr. She's so super cute. >.<
Hahahaha. Bah. I was myself today.
Today was good. Tomorrow will only be better. :)
{ 3:00 AM }
Thanks to my bro, Teo Zhen Yee's words. I seem to have found back some of myself who i've lost.
" If i don't hope, I won't be sad. Sadness is only temporary. If i don't hope, i will regret. And yet Regrets last forever."
I won't give up on this yet. :)
{ 1:00 AM }
Does it end just like this? I love her. Alot. More than myself.
I told her 2 thursdays ago. I tried telling her. But she didn't want to listen to me. I can't believe after i loved her for eight months, and then i finally pull up the courage to tell her. She didn't wanna give me a chance to tell her. I understood all the risks involved in telling her that i like her. And now i'm paying dearly for it. Why? I know i maybe so selfish as to only want her for myself. But. I'm trying to love her. Am i in the Wrong? At least i should have a chance at explaining?
Sigh.
The dinner on Saturday failed horribly. Janielson was right. I should have just listened to him and not bothered to go.
She replied me that day. " If no one bothers, maybe you should not too."
I waited 2 hours that day. At Db mrt station with matin. She didn't even pick up her phone or text back and tell me she wasn't coming or something. It shows everything. I just foolishly sat there for two hours.
Is that a sign? She doesn't bother. Maybe i should not either? I'm thinking of so much. And that these dreams of mine, are weighing me down too much. Yes it'll be unbelievable sweetness if i succeed. But, at the rate that we're going at now, i can't see a future between us. I feel sad. So sad. That from the moment i met her, i didn't know her at all. I went out of the way to make friends with her after FOC. Tried being close to her. From the point that i felt sad at FOR, till now. Doesn't she understand? I love her. Alot. Why don't i even get a chance to ask her? I know she doesn't owe me an explaination. But. Sigh.
With my life in ruins, and meeting her everyday in class, how can i survive? I'm trying my damn best to distance myself from her. I even went to the lengths for considering to wanna learn how to smoke, to keep myself away from her.
I'm sorry. I love her. I failed.
Everyone tells me to let go, to give up, to give in. But what i learn is NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE IN. But. With everything like this, it might be better to just let go? It's like as if i'm on a hot air balloon. This dream is the sand bag. Am i to throw it overboard? To allow myself to soar? I don't know. Making the choice is a very difficult thing. It's not like as if i can do it so easily.
All these woes. Troubles, all sprout from the same roots. At the point that i managed to suppress my feelings for her, everything went smoothly, peacefully. But now. It's a totally different world.
Maybe all the silence between us, will set it all free.
I don't understand. I don't need anything. I just want her.
I'm scared. Afraid. But there was nothing left to lose. Now i'm paying for everything i owe.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010{ 4:55 AM }
I know something big is gonna happen to me soon. Very soon. I'm afraid. But i won't runaway anymore. Enough running, enough hiding. I should have seen it coming. I'm not ready. :(
Sunday, November 21, 2010{ 11:54 PM }
What if. 2 words. 2 very strong words.
What if she had rejected me ? I'd have been left so sad. So depressed. Like as if i'd lost everything i've wanted for so long. :( And what if i was so depressed? What would change around me? What would i change to be? It's that complicated. With so much directions i can head to.
But, What if she had accepted me? I'd be so happy. Joyful, Jubilant. I'd have joy so imba that no english word can describe it. I'm sure. I'd always be cheerful around her. These 2 words, depict 2 scenarios. The difference of the sun and the moon.I'd sacrifice. To change, rearrange everything around me. To be with her. To love her from the bottom of my heart. I've never loved someone as much as her. And if she gives me the chance, i'd make her happy. Because all i want is to make her smile. It makes my day.
I've never loved someone as much as her. :X It's a pity, that she doesn't love me the same way. :(
Oh btw. I'm . Not just LOVESICK. BUT REALLY SICK. :( SO IS SHE!
Hahaha. I must credit Pei Ling for these damn nice drawings. :D
Sigh. If i don't try being optimistic, everything that i want, will never ever materialize. I need to be patient. I know she's not ready. I love her. And i believe that she'll be ready someday. :) I'm living on hope. This hope is strong. All i need to do, is to believe. We'll have this happy ending someday. :)
Believe. Hope. :) You can do it.
{ 1:37 AM }
I love her. Alot. More than anything else i treasure. :)
But it's not working out yet. I'm lacking something to win her heart. :(
I'm still chasing, still living this dream. How long more?
I need to be patient. Alot more patient.
Friday, November 19, 2010{ 8:50 AM }
Still alive. Still chasing. What else can i do? I mean i really do love her so much. But it's just me. As usual. She's not here today once more. Sick.
Yeah. i attempted confessing to her yesterday. But.. . I never considered the fact of if she wanted to listen to it. :( I mean. it took me so much bravery, courage and adrenaline to say it all. But. . .
What can i do? Be sad? Yeah. i'm sad. why not? The muscle aches that i received from Wednesday's street soccer, is nothing compared to the heartache i felt when she did not wanna give me the chance to at least tell her. How i felt.
I'm selfish. I love her so much. I didn't care of how she felt. But i wanna give her joy. Pearchan's like my sunflower. I wanna be the sun, make her smile, make her happy. :) For her joy brightens my day. My mood.
Aishiteru, Pearchan. Take care, get well soon.
I feel like i'm so. Blank now. With nothing in my head, nothing on my mind.
At least she knows.
Thursday, November 18, 2010{ 10:41 AM }
Last chance. Last try. Today, i wanna tell pearchan that i like her. Alot. I've managed to pull up all my courage together, to wanna ask her and care for her. But.... the only problem is that she's not in class. yet i hope. Pffft. I hope she comes. :X
I just wanna tell her. Get it all off my mind. Be it happy or sad.
Believe. Hope. :) You can do it. 