♥N.M.P

Friday, December 31, 2010 { 1:37 AM }

The year's over. Felt like yesterday when the year began.

We only live one life. Opportunities are meant to be taken. Wishes aren't gonna come true just like that. Work for it. Don't live to regret. Live cause you want to. Do whatever you think is right. :)

Who cares. You don't right? :( About her? I thought u told yourself you weren't gonna bother? :( Alas. YOU still do. Damn you.

Dear Viper. Go through the new year as a new person. Forget your past. Live the present.

Monday, December 27, 2010 { 3:12 AM }

Alas. I'm still where i was before. Lost within the world i've trapped myself in. It's a good question. Why can't i move on?

I simply can't find the answer. Every night, i can still think of being with her. Caring for her, loving her. And alas, when the question to thrown to me. On what i have ever done for her? I can't even give an answer. Seriously.

Why? I love her so much. And yet. I can't even do anything for her. I've failed? Miserably for that fact? She doesn't even care. Dear god. You let me meet someone i've fallen so deeply for. And yet she doesn't even bother? Is this some sorta cruel joke? She's the one. She's the only one i'd love in my entire poly career. I really do. Love her. That much. :(

Dear viper, hold on.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 { 2:26 AM }

Why? I can't find the solution. Forever, it's like as if I'm running on a treadmill.
I wanna try to stop. And yet, all i can think of, is you. It's not like i haven't tried giving up. Why can't i ? I seem to keep sinking back down to the same square one. It's not working. I can't even find a solution to my issues.

The only person who can solve this, is yourself. Sigh. Every night, i can dream of a similar happy tomorrow. It's that sad. I can literally taste my dreams. And yet when reality hits back at me, it hits hard. Im that far away from my happiness. I wanna tear. Of all the happy thoughts i have with her, all i want is a simple relationship, where we'd spend time with each other. And love each other. But alas. That doesn't seem how things will prevail in the end. :(

I really want her. I really do.

Sigh. Maybe i'd just broken dreams. Which i'd have to leave behind sooner or later ?
Depressed. I know i can love her. I know i can take good care of her. I know i love her. I know it all. But when things come out, it's not how much i know. It's the feeling? Sigh. I know i can be a tad hot-headed sometimes, but. . . Sigh. And i lose my temper easily when i'm pissed off. But to her, i'd never do so. :(

Ahh. Memories? I've had so much with you over the past 9 months that we've known each other. Tomorrow? It's just gonna be a day that i feel more sadness. I can't convince myself. Sometimes i really just can't. That she doesn't like me. I'd just rebuke myself by saying other things, which will change how i think. I know i love her. But.. .

If one day, we ever get together, i promise myself that i'll love her, with everything i've got. Cause i just do.

Dear Viper, will happiness ever come your way? You've an Oath to keep to. Please hold on tight to it. :|

Sunday, December 19, 2010 { 11:48 PM }

Everything is so messed up. I need to stop believing whatever people tell me. And plan and trust myself. My head hurts. Everything is so. Messed up. Argh.

Love? Sweetness. Maybe i should just ditch it all. And die tomorrow.

Cause nothing lasts forever. I don't know. Im badly messed up now. How?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010 { 3:50 AM }

One day. I swear i won't love her. The next. I actually lie to myself to cover up that i still do. What am i thinking? I gotta tell myself. She doesn't care. How long can i lie? She doesn't. But i do. Damn. The lies aren't working anymore. Help.
I don't know. The more i think, the more i feel that it's getting to me. >.<

3.52am.

Why am i awake? I'm supposed to be asleep. But all that's on my mind is you. I don't know. I'm confused. There's no answer to my questions. No solution to my problem. I tried. I tell myself to give up. But deep down within.

Will i? That's a question that even i, am unable to answer.

Help yourself, dear viper. Before it's too late.
Remember what they told you. She doesn't see you in her future. Live with it. Give up, and stop trying to pick that knife up and stab yourself with it.

Side tracking from my issues, A little pick me up.
Enjoy.

Saturday, December 11, 2010 { 2:51 PM }

Whoever told me family > friends? That's fucking bullshit. My family members all kan bu ki me. Whatever made them able to do so? I don't understand. They aren't even any better than me. So what? I don't know. Everyone's not my Allie, in this cruel world.

Thursday, December 9, 2010 { 1:05 AM }

Well. Today was a peaceful day. I'm learning fast. Letting go of emotion. Who needs all that, when you can live freely and happily. I won't deny i think having a relationship is good. But. I'm not even sure already. With my current mindset in a mess. Who am i to control my own destiny? And yet the other side of me, tells me destiny is in my own hands.

When will i wake up? From this nightmare, from this dream. From everything i know. It's never possible.

Shall i keep solemnly to my oath? Or break it like i don't give a damn. She doesn't anyway. Argh. I don't need anyone. I don't even know if i need myself. Troubles? I'm ignoring them. Running from them all. As i used to. Well. For now, lets live this way. Till i get sick of this lifestyle. Till i sense that change is needed in my life.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 { 1:43 AM }

Gave up. Gave in. Ain't gonna care no longer. 9 months. I finished my story. I got too tired to care. Took too much . Tried so hard. Fought so far. In the end, it doesn't even matter. My fairytale ending. What i ever wanted. Just ends like this. I didn't choose it. I tried to choose. I made an effort. Gave it my best. My all. I lived through everyday. Thinking of it. Wanting you. Just you. It still hurts. My heart still does. But imagine a knife. Stuck through me. Taken out. Put through me again. Taken out. Put back in. Taken out, put back in. The process. Makes me feel numb.

Ever since that time, from FOR. till now. I can still feel it. I can remember that night. Like yesterday. You ditched me. I lied to myself. I said maybe you did care. Maybe i didn't try my best. You spent the night away. I felt so hopeless. Helpless. Unwilling to give in. I held on. It's not like i ain't sad. Everyone could see i was. Heartbroken. I picked up the pieces, stuck it back in with glue. And walked on. Then. came the heartbreak. I remember. That night well too. I had gone for overnight DOTA. Then. I knew. You didn't care. You went with someone else. Even though you knew i cared. I lied to myself. I told myself. Maybe you cared. Maybe you still did. Maybe all was not lost. Maybe it was me, maybe i could change. Maybe i was just too caught up in the moment, and i was thinking too much. I lied. I said. No point continuing. I didn't stop. I just held onto my feelings. Put on a brave front, and lived on. Months later. You broke. I was glad. I didn't know when, but i still liked you. Loved you. Alot. And with that. It brings me till now. I tried. I was scared. I didn't want another story where i'd feel the bitterness of regret because i didn't even try. It was so painful. I blamed myself everyday. I knew i wasn't perfect. But i wanted to be.

Everything just went by so fast. So quickly. I was scared. I didn't want to lose you a second time. I dreamt of the happy ending i would get. I always did. All the dreams. It felt so sweet. Holding the hands of the girl whom i love so much. Whispering sweet nothings to her. Loving her . Never did i once ever think it would come true. I was right. It didn't. I like to lie to myself. I said. Don't give in. Don't give up. Someday, she'll be touched by ur perseverance. It's like as if. The knife stuck into me, has gone so deep. The wound began to get numb. The pain. I felt the sadness sapping on me so much, that i forgot how to be happy. I thought of you more than myself. More than of what i'd ever think of for myself. I'd think if you were asleep. Or if you had ur dinner. Where you were. What you would be doing.

I've always wanted to taste sweetness. The sweetness of being in a r/s with a girl whom you truely love. Who loves you back. Looks like i won't be tasting it after all. You don't care. After all the effort i've placed, trying my fucking damn best. You don't appreciate it. You don't appreciate anything that i've done. I tried. At FOR. I took the train to JE just to try to get closer to you, But what did you do ? Nothing. You didn't even give me a chance to finish what i wanted to say . It was the final straw. I tried lying to myself. To say maybe you were not ready for what i was gonna say. But you ? What did you do ? I wanted to tell you. Express to you. You didn't even give me a chance. You didn't even consider. So you're telling me. 9 months of patience, efforts, and everything i've thought about, isn't even worth a minute of your time? Thanks. Thanks alot.

From there. The lies began to fail. I didn't believe everything i said already. You took my hope, threw it on the ground. Stepped on it. Ground it to dust. Fragmented it. What can i say ? Lie to myself that i didn't try hard enough? All i can say. You didn't appreciated it. Well, i can't do anything. You have your choice. But you can't even choose to let me speak, and finish my story with a no ? It's. Senseless. I think i deserved better. I don't even see any other guy who is as persevering, or who won't complain about anything like these. I was so heartbroken. I was so unhappy. Did you care? No. You didn't fucking give a damn. I held on. So long. Still, you didn't give a fucking damn.

Days ago. I began questioning myself. Why did i choose such a girl ? I loved her. She didn't even care. I cared so much. Nothing happened. I remember. I took skates with you. Just because i wanted to go near you. Wanted to be with you. Spend some time around you. But what? You didn't even care. I remember that time, where i spent the night sitting around with you, cause you didn't wanna skate. Eventually, i waited till 10+++ just to sit that 5 minutes train ride with you to JE. What did you do? You asked me to leave first cause you wanted to wait for your friends. In the end, at the platform. You asked me to go ahead and leave. You know how sad it is for the guy ? When he waits hours, just to spend 5 minutes with the girl he genuinely loves? I really did. I went out of my way so often to try to orchestrate sth between us. I planned outings. I went to grab tickets at JURONG POINT. Just to try to spend an outing with you. Did you care? No. I organised the last outing. I waited for 2 hours. Did you ever bother? No. You didn't even have the heart to tell me you were not coming, and went for some stupid netball thing. I swear i waited. Called, texted. You didn't pick up, you didn't care. Eventually. I had to wait 2 days for a simple message of Sorry. Everyone who wasted my time, apologized to me that night. I didn't care. I just wanted you to talk to me. I cheered up. Pulled myself back on track, and kept trying. What's the point? The effort was there. The heart was there. But you didn't care. I wouldn't blame you. It's not your fault. You didn't love me. But you could actually use ur mouth, ask me to talk. And SAY IT IN MY FACE. I'D TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, AND WOULD NOT FEEL SO SAD. CAUSE I TRIED AND I GAVE MY DAMN BEST.

THEY WERE RIGHT ALL THE TIME. YOU DIDN'T CARE. I KEPT LYING TO MYSELF THAT MAYBE SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN. MAYBE YOU DID.
He who held onto that knife. The hand who put it in, and took it out. Is mine.
But . Whatever i've just ranted. Is summarized. In 3 words. : You don't care.

Dear Viper. Detach yourself from emotions. Just stay emotionless, and live your life like you never wanted it.

Monday, December 6, 2010 { 11:55 PM }

My heart hurts. Alot. It hurts. So bad. How can it ever heal ? Even if it does. The damage has been done. Someone stabbed me with a knife. Took it out. And put it in again. I'm a good for nothing. Useless. People despise me. Even my dad does. How can that make me even useful. The girl who i chased for 9 months. Doesn't give a damn. I don't even know how to live my life.

I don't know. I'm so lost. Confused. Pathetic.

Liar. You said it was the last try 10 times ago. You didn't hear me? And u still went on to try.

I've lost my colour. Lost myself. Lost everything i fucking give a damn about. It's like i'm emotionless now. It hurts. No one understands me. No one ever will. I'm just too. Useless.

I just can't do anything right can i ?

Maybe i should just ditch everything. Be a half-bucket. and live my live and waste it away. I don't care. It hurts too much to care. I just feel like finishing everything. Just like that.

Nothing really matters. Does it?

I'd rather die a hero, than a zero. At least heroes die with honour, fall with grace. Zeroes just die a pathetic and hopeless death. It hurts. Hurts so much. Too much for me.

You don't care. Maybe i should not too. What for? I'm paying the price. The damage stacks. I can't take too much of it. You would't care either. I should just go die. Ends everything.

I'm useless.

Saturday, December 4, 2010 { 3:12 PM }

I feel like relocating away from all my issues. My troubles. Everything i've had. I feel like i want a clean break. A fresh start. But that's just a want. In reality, i have so much issues in my head that i don't know what to do sometimes.

9 months. I've known pearchan. So fast. And yet. I haven't succeeded yet. Time and time again i try. But i don't even see any results. It's kinda sad is it not ? Everyone askes me to forget it. And give up. It'll do much good for me than to hold on to this one-sided love. :(
You know i won't. Right?

I've held on for so long. It wasn't even easy. The times i've teared. So many. I remember FOR. where i sat on the road thinking. And you simply sat on someone's bike and passed by me. You didn't even care.

But that was the past. This is the present. He who once told me. If i were to keep looking at the past, i'd be affecting my present, which will lead to my downfall in the future.

I've clawed, scratched, hit, and staggered all the way here. How can i bare to give up and go back to square one? I won't. That's what people don't understand about me. What i want, i will fight for to get.

Christmas is coming. It's so fast. Just a year ago, i was waiting for my O's. I never knew her. And this year. I'm already a shell of my former self. I've changed much. But i'm still here. Looking back. It's all so different. I want my girl to be someone i can talk to. Someone whom i can rely on. And i want her to be that person. I want to make her smile. Make her happy. be there for her. Hold her hand and walk her home. That's what i want. To let her spend happy times with me.

Friday, December 3, 2010 { 10:10 PM }

All i'm WANTING this Christmas is you. :)

Hahaha. Words in my Words. :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010 { 12:04 AM }

I know i ain't supposed to regret. I know i don't want to. But will she? I don't know. I'm getting that feeling again. that the dream, is abit too heavy. I don't know. i don't wanna regret, i know i love her. But still. .