Gave up. Gave in. Ain't gonna care no longer. 9 months. I finished my story. I got too tired to care. Took too much . Tried so hard. Fought so far. In the end, it doesn't even matter. My fairytale ending. What i ever wanted. Just ends like this. I didn't choose it. I tried to choose. I made an effort. Gave it my best. My all. I lived through everyday. Thinking of it. Wanting you. Just you. It still hurts. My heart still does. But imagine a knife. Stuck through me. Taken out. Put through me again. Taken out. Put back in. Taken out, put back in. The process. Makes me feel numb.
Ever since that time, from FOR. till now. I can still feel it. I can remember that night. Like yesterday. You ditched me. I lied to myself. I said maybe you did care. Maybe i didn't try my best. You spent the night away. I felt so hopeless. Helpless. Unwilling to give in. I held on. It's not like i ain't sad. Everyone could see i was. Heartbroken. I picked up the pieces, stuck it back in with glue. And walked on. Then. came the heartbreak. I remember. That night well too. I had gone for overnight DOTA. Then. I knew. You didn't care. You went with someone else. Even though you knew i cared. I lied to myself. I told myself. Maybe you cared. Maybe you still did. Maybe all was not lost. Maybe it was me, maybe i could change. Maybe i was just too caught up in the moment, and i was thinking too much. I lied. I said. No point continuing. I didn't stop. I just held onto my feelings. Put on a brave front, and lived on. Months later. You broke. I was glad. I didn't know when, but i still liked you. Loved you. Alot. And with that. It brings me till now. I tried. I was scared. I didn't want another story where i'd feel the bitterness of regret because i didn't even try. It was so painful. I blamed myself everyday. I knew i wasn't perfect. But i wanted to be.
Everything just went by so fast. So quickly. I was scared. I didn't want to lose you a second time. I dreamt of the happy ending i would get. I always did. All the dreams. It felt so sweet. Holding the hands of the girl whom i love so much. Whispering sweet nothings to her. Loving her . Never did i once ever think it would come true. I was right. It didn't. I like to lie to myself. I said. Don't give in. Don't give up. Someday, she'll be touched by ur perseverance. It's like as if. The knife stuck into me, has gone so deep. The wound began to get numb. The pain. I felt the sadness sapping on me so much, that i forgot how to be happy. I thought of you more than myself. More than of what i'd ever think of for myself. I'd think if you were asleep. Or if you had ur dinner. Where you were. What you would be doing.
I've always wanted to taste sweetness. The sweetness of being in a r/s with a girl whom you truely love. Who loves you back. Looks like i won't be tasting it after all. You don't care. After all the effort i've placed, trying my fucking damn best. You don't appreciate it. You don't appreciate anything that i've done. I tried. At FOR. I took the train to JE just to try to get closer to you, But what did you do ? Nothing. You didn't even give me a chance to finish what i wanted to say . It was the final straw. I tried lying to myself. To say maybe you were not ready for what i was gonna say. But you ? What did you do ? I wanted to tell you. Express to you. You didn't even give me a chance. You didn't even consider. So you're telling me. 9 months of patience, efforts, and everything i've thought about, isn't even worth a minute of your time? Thanks. Thanks alot.
From there. The lies began to fail. I didn't believe everything i said already. You took my hope, threw it on the ground. Stepped on it. Ground it to dust. Fragmented it. What can i say ? Lie to myself that i didn't try hard enough? All i can say. You didn't appreciated it. Well, i can't do anything. You have your choice. But you can't even choose to let me speak, and finish my story with a no ? It's. Senseless. I think i deserved better. I don't even see any other guy who is as persevering, or who won't complain about anything like these. I was so heartbroken. I was so unhappy. Did you care? No. You didn't fucking give a damn. I held on. So long. Still, you didn't give a fucking damn.
Days ago. I began questioning myself. Why did i choose such a girl ? I loved her. She didn't even care. I cared so much. Nothing happened. I remember. I took skates with you. Just because i wanted to go near you. Wanted to be with you. Spend some time around you. But what? You didn't even care. I remember that time, where i spent the night sitting around with you, cause you didn't wanna skate. Eventually, i waited till 10+++ just to sit that 5 minutes train ride with you to JE. What did you do? You asked me to leave first cause you wanted to wait for your friends. In the end, at the platform. You asked me to go ahead and leave. You know how sad it is for the guy ? When he waits hours, just to spend 5 minutes with the girl he genuinely loves? I really did. I went out of my way so often to try to orchestrate sth between us. I planned outings. I went to grab tickets at JURONG POINT. Just to try to spend an outing with you. Did you care? No. I organised the last outing. I waited for 2 hours. Did you ever bother? No. You didn't even have the heart to tell me you were not coming, and went for some stupid netball thing. I swear i waited. Called, texted. You didn't pick up, you didn't care. Eventually. I had to wait 2 days for a simple message of Sorry. Everyone who wasted my time, apologized to me that night. I didn't care. I just wanted you to talk to me. I cheered up. Pulled myself back on track, and kept trying. What's the point? The effort was there. The heart was there. But you didn't care. I wouldn't blame you. It's not your fault. You didn't love me. But you could actually use ur mouth, ask me to talk. And SAY IT IN MY FACE. I'D TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, AND WOULD NOT FEEL SO SAD. CAUSE I TRIED AND I GAVE MY DAMN BEST.
THEY WERE RIGHT ALL THE TIME. YOU DIDN'T CARE. I KEPT LYING TO MYSELF THAT MAYBE SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN. MAYBE YOU DID. He who held onto that knife. The hand who put it in, and took it out. Is mine. But . Whatever i've just ranted. Is summarized. In 3 words. : You don't care.
Dear Viper. Detach yourself from emotions. Just stay emotionless, and live your life like you never wanted it.
